


Comfort

by bboiseux



Series: Critical Role Campaign 1 [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 01:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9796652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bboiseux/pseuds/bboiseux
Summary: It had started with bar crawls, all of them together.  Celebration, unwinding, release.  Everyone by her side.  Friendship, family, comfort.  It ended in a bottle.The one where Keyleth is an alcoholic.Spoilers for events up to Episode 81.





	

It had started with bar crawls, all of them together.  Celebration, unwinding release.  Everyone by her side.  Friendship, family, comfort.

Then a few drinks at night.  Dullness, distance, relief.  That was after the Dread Emperor, when she couldn't sleep because of the nightmares, because of the child.  After that, she kept drinking a little here and a little there.  When things got too tough.  When she'd done something wrong.  Never too much, just enough.  For comfort, for calm, for sleep.

And then the Underdark.

The alcohol had run out after the first night.  Deep below the ground, separated from nature, surrounded by darkness, she stopped sleeping and started panicking.  There was nothing to dull the worry, nothing to comfort her, nothing to carry her to sleep.  She started lashing out, became more violent.  She hadn't liked what she was like without it, but it made her think: is too much of what I like about me the alcohol?  She decided to stop.

She still drank at bars, of course, because that wasn't the problem--that was friendship, family, comfort.

But then the Briarwoods and Percy and the darkness . . . and the wine was right there.

And then it was time to celebrate.

And then the dragons.

And Pyrah.

And Raishan.

And then Thordak was dead . . . and Vax was in her room cutting away her burnt hair.

\--

She ran her fingers over the quickly healing burns the lava had left all over her body.  She heard her voice reach out to him needy and aching, "Do you like it short?"

"I like you."

She let herself rest back into his arms.  Friendship, family, comfort.  He squeezed her tight and nuzzled into her cropped hair.

And then paused—a moment before decision.

"Kiki, can I see your bag?"

Her bag was never far from her.  It was resting right beside her and her hand instinctually pulled it closer.  "You want to see my notebook?"

"No."

She tried not to go rigid in his arms.

"Please, let me see your bag."

She could hear in his voice that he was pushing.  He never pushed, not really.  It was always up to her to let him in.

She pulled gently away from his arms and turned to face him.  "Vax, what's going on?"

His eyes painted her face.  She could see the love and sadness in every pass.

"I--."  Then he thought better of it and his voice and eyes dropped, "Kiki, were you drinking in Emon?"

She tried to laugh.  It almost worked.  "What--what are you talking about?"

"Keyleth, were you drunk when we went to fight Thordak?"  His voice was serious Vax--the barely contained shout that came when his emotions were too strong and he felt powerless.

She just stared at him.  He couldn't look up to see her.

"Were you--were you drinking before we got to Emon?"

She watched his hands tightening into fists.

"Vax--."  And she reached out to take one of those fists.

"Did you drink the night before?"  His eyes met hers and she saw the barely contained tears.  She pulled back.

"Vax, you're scaring me."

"You're scaring me."  It was a punctuated shout, the anger and frustration releasing in a single burst, the tears now running down his face.  "I--I want to know you're okay.  And I'm so afraid you're not."  His next words were a plea.  "Just tell me--just this, Kiki--do you have alcohol in your bag right now?"

That moment stretched on forever, as they looked at each other.  Keyleth always thought of Vax’s love like the sun on a cloudy day.  You could tell it was there, see the outline, even feel the rays, but it was distant, apart.  And, then, suddenly, the clouds would move and that love would shine down, warm, all encompassing.  That was what she wanted now, but the clouds were too thick.  So she made a decision.

She lifted the bag into her lap and reached inside.  She pulled out her notebook.

"This, a few spell components, and some natural cures and medicines.  That's it Vax."  She shifted closer to him, taking both his hands and meeting his gaze.  "I didn't drink in Emon.  I didn't."

He looked at her hands for a moment, turning her words over in his head.  Then, not looking up, his voice mournful and desperate, "I love you.  I am here for you, no matter what.  You know that right?"

"Of course.”  Her voice was soft, inquiring, “And you know I wouldn't hide anything from you, right?"

"Of course."  He wanted to believe her.  She just had to give him the chance.

She longed to wrap him up and relieve his worries, to give the comfort she could never quite find, and so forget her own mind for just a little bit.  She wanted to kiss him softly and tell him everything was okay.

But she was lying and the truth needed the absence of a kiss.


End file.
